Bailey’s Review

It’s the Slinky song. Remember the Slinky? The toy that’s fun for a girl and a boy? Well, let me tell you, this dick is NOT fun for anyone; the song got stuck in my head when I imagined you trying to stuff this dinky-dick into someone. I just imagined it compressing and coiling up smaller, because I can only hope that this pic is of the Slinky stretched out. Look at all those crinkles! Just like the little rings of the Slinky when it’s stretched out, but, you know.. the Slinky is way more impressive. I mean, everyone wanted to play with the Slinky. No one wants to play with this. Do you even want to play with this? Like, do you get a mini-woody and think about rubbing one out, then look down, cringe, and decide it isn’t worth it? I’ve seen girls with pussy-lips thicker than this wrinkled nubby, and it was WAY hotter. Are you just all skin? Like, there’s a penis somewhere under that sad bit of wrapping paper, right? I actually -like- your balls; I’d be a little turned on, but that pathetic excuse for a penis is like that obnoxious drunk friend who jumps in at the last minute to ruin your pictures. Out of place, sorta gross, and doesn’t belong at all. Normally I’m pretty good if a fella’s got at least 4 inches to give me, but it’s -supposed- to be 4 inches of COCK, not a day-old sausage. I mean your poor wife, submitting these pictures. Have you ever wondered if she cheats on you? Knowing your type that probably gets this little guy hard. I mean you love her right? And for some reason she married you and this little dick? Sure maybe it’s her fault for doing this, but there are nice cocks that are so much bigger, and she has a pussy that needs to be pleased. Fuck can you imagine watching her get bent over and a real man pushes his cock into her, she shriek’s at the sheer size of his cock spreading her pussy to the max filling every last bit of her depraved pussy??? Let her get this!  Please. Stay chaste. Don’t inflict this on any more unsuspecting women. It’s just not right.

Bai

Vivianna’s Review

First thing I noticed Thorg? A triangle-head so pink a flamingo would consider the color tacky. Now don’t get me wrong, I love dick. And just about any dick can rise to the occasion, but I can’t see much rising with this squirt-tube. I mean, it’s just kind of flopped there, leaning toward your body, straining, trying so hard to be… well, hard. Is this the best you could manage? Give it a minute; it might try and tuck itself back under all that loose skin and hide from the camera. Aww, is your dick shy? I would be too. Let’s take a look at that shaft. Now I -love- the look of veins. I also love chocolate, but I’m not going to dip myself in it and be a candy-coated nightmare. Too much of a good thing? Yeah, nailed it. Poor penis almost looks like an alien butterfly trying really damn hard to get out of a veiny cocoon. And those balls! Are they balls? Like, plural? Cuz they’re so smushed up together like they’re trying to crawl back into your body, where they’d be less embarrassed. I don’t fucking blame them; if I had to be attached to that weird swirly-vein dick, I’d hide too! And that shaft! What the hell, Kriss, how did you marry this thing??? It’s like this dick gets smaller and smaller the higher up you go, and the head is so pink because it’s blushing. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with this dick. I mean, I could hop on and try to take it for a spin, hope that looks are deceiving. But that head is so pointy it just might hurt. In the bad way. And the shaving? I guess that isn’t an option? Why not hide what little you have?

Viv

Mia’s Review

You know, I was really horny earlier. I had an amazing dream of a man I seen at the coffee shop yesterday. He was tall, athletic, and his dick imprint left little to the imagination. I he had big dick energy, he knew he had a nice cock and would have fucked my brains out. My dream delivered just that, erotic, intense balls deep fuck with his raging cock. He fucked me from behind, the sight of my perfect ass only made he harder the longer he fucked….. Fuck Kriss, you would have loved it. Like, panties all wet and musky, tunnel squeezing a little in anticipation, hot horny and ready to fuck. Now that you sent your hubby’s cock? Ugh. This dick makes me bone-dry. And I mean, can you blame me? Judging by those little deflated party balloon balls, you know all about what it’s like to be dry, hon! You know what I -love- to do to a guy? Oral. I love to give head. It gets me so horny sucking on a tempting tool, those wet sounds and his panting breaths all that can be heard, the lust that spikes each time the tip hits the back of my throat, the strain of trying to take a heavy cock just a little bit deeper, the taste of salty pre-cum on my tongue that just makes me suck harder… it’s a great image, right? And you’d get to see that, sweetie. Maybe you should invite a real man into the boudoir… let your hubby watch you trying to deep-throat some thick dick.. while he sat in the corner. Because there’s no way I’d be putting that thing in my mouth personally. Barely even seems to -have- a head, much less a plump and throbbing spongy crown for me to tease and suckle. And with such teeny balls, where’s all the cum I love to guzzle? You’d barely have enough to splash my face, much less let me drink down spurt after spurt.  He couldn’t even be bothered to shave for these pictures; a good manscaping shows off the whole package, makes everything look bigger, and you need all the fucking help you can get. Honestly, hun, where’s the fun for me? How am I supposed to get off on this? I mean, I suppose I can put you to -some- use. Could be a prepper! Lick my pussy til I’m soaking wet, with saliva at least, then get out of the way so a real man can step in and fill my cunt. You can even stay and watch, just don’t be tugging that thing in my line of sight; I’d hate to get bone-dry again in the middle of an actual -good- fucking. This cock is like having the wrong key. You stick it in, wriggle it around, and it -looks- like it’ll fit, but you never get anywhere and all it causes is frustration.

Mia

Zoey’s Review

Seriously. What the fuck is it Thorg? Like, I get that it’s about four inches long, which is usually pretty okay for a penis, but the thing is, are you sure that’s a penis?! I mean, at first glance I thought it was a thumb. At second glance, I thought it was a slug. At third glance, I’m not sure what the fuck it is. IS it a penis? I mean, is it hiding itself in shame? Is it making a cocoon, hoping desperately to emerge one day as a beautiful butterfly?! Because sweetie, not all fairy tale dreams come true. I’m baffled you scored a women let along, not being virgin because most ladies would dart away upon seeing the slug-patrol here? I thank your wife as another woman for not subjecting anyone else with a vagina to this disaster. Look at those balls. Proud and round and plump, straining at the sack, probably because there’s so much build-up over having never known release with anything beyond Rosie Palmer. OMG! I know what it is! You tugged that thing into a little sock so long that the sock just got stuck! That explains why it’s so crinkly, like loose pantyhose. And is there even a head in there somewhere? It’s all tapered down to a mushy little point that I really can’t tell. Got a little nubby right at the tip that looks like a shed flesh-colored tear; is it weeping in there? If not, it ought to be. I can’t even work up the lust enough to imagine this excuse for a dick in my ass; I think it would just mush and try to crawl back into your body. Bleh.

Zoey